The Fume of Sighs
by The Baron of Cake
Summary: When The Kanker Sisters find themselves low on smokes and entertainment, they begin to play around with May's wishbones. Little did they know, Marie's wish would come true in a rather weird way. Based on a strange request I got. Take this as seriously as you want.


Night had long since fallen on the no man's land of Peach Creek and the only lights on were those of the Kanker household, whose residents were busy laughing wildly at their late night entertainment. Well they would be, if they had remembered to buy a new TV to replace the one they had broken a week ago. Without their daily source of enjoyment, they were left sitting on their pearl blue couch together, elbow to elbow.

"This is so boring, Lee!" May moaned sadly, hugging her knees in thought.

"Well it wouldn't be if someone hadn't pissed me off." the older sister said, narrowing her eyes at her azure haired younger sibling. Marie scoffed.

"Yeah, it's totally my fault you flipped your shit and smashed the TV because I forgot to buy a pack of cigarettes." she sassed back, rolling her eyes. She soon found herself face to face with the red head when Lee grabbed her by the collar.

"Want me to take it out on your face next?" she growled, raising her fist up. Marie didn't back down pressed her forehead against her older sister's.

"I'd like to see you try."

The tense silence of the trailer was soon sliced like butter when May got between the feuding siblings.

"Come on girls, let's stop fightin' and try to have some fun!" the blonde said, smiling at both of them in the hopes it would defuse their anger.

They both remained silent, their glares never faulting. Eventually, Lee sighed and turned away from her blue haired sister.

"Alright. What did you have in mind, May?" she asked, trying to push back her nicotine withdrawal induced anger. Marie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, facing May.

"I gotta hear this."

May wasted no time bolting upstairs, leaving her two elder sisters confused. She then returned with an overstuffed red suitcase decorated with all kinds of stickers and other doodles and slammed it on the trailer floor. Marie groaned.

"Seriously, your stupid wishbones?" May huffed and opened the suitcase.

"I don't see you coming up with anything better!" the dim blonde yelled, crossing her arms and turning away. Seeing as how she wasn't in a face smashing mood with May yet, she sighed and extended her hand.

"Fine, just give me one already."

The youngest Kanker brightened up and grabbed half of the bone with her index finger, offering the other half to her bored looking sibling. Marie took it and began to gently pull with all of her uninterested might. Eventually, it split, the bigger half going too May.

"Cheap piece of shit." Marie growled, sinking into the couch. Lee laughed, punching the blue haired teen in the shoulder.

"Lighten up Marie." she said in between her guffaws "Hurry up and make your wish, May."

May looked at the torn bone and rubbed her chin in thought.

"I wish my hubby Ed would come over and visit once in a while." May sighed, twiddling the wish bone in her fingers. Marie quickly reached into the suitcase and held half of the bone at the ready.

"Alright Lee, your turn." Marie said, smirking. Lee looked at her dubiously.

"What's with that look, sunshine? If you lose, you owe me a TV and a pack of cigarettes." she smirked back, grabbing the other half. Marie wasn't fazed and the tugging began, the bone surviving their current efforts. Then, both sisters gave one final pull with almost all their might, the bones loud snap silencing their groans of determination. Marie was victorious and Lee was unimpressed.

"Still gonna use your money to buy the TV." she said with her yellow tooth filled grin.

"Come on, make a wish Marie!" May said in excitement, leaning toward the apathetic teen. Marie's excitement from her victory faded when she looked at the bone, realizing how stupid it was to get all happy over something like this. But with one look at May, she knew she would not hear the end of it if she didn't play along.

"I wish I had something to smoke." she declared, tossing the bone over her shoulder and out the open window behind them.

Before May could remark how dumb of a wish that was, a glow suddenly began to emit from the blackness of outside,accompanied by a loud screech. They all three turned around, star struck by the blinding mix of pink and violet flooding the entire trailer park.

"What the hell is going on!?" Marie yelled over the noise, shielding her ears. May was quick to answer by hugging both siblings in a terrified frenzy.

"It's aliens!" She shrieked "We're doomed!"

"May if you don't let go of me I'll-"

Lee was cut off by a loud crash, the impact shaking the entire trailer and blowing the sisters back a few feet. Then, as quick as they came, the sound and lights faded away. After they had recovered from being blasted back, they just sat there staring out the window, waiting for something else to happen.

"May, go out and see what it was."

"Heck no! It was your wish, so you go!" May yelled, snorting afterwards and hiding behind Lee, who rolled her eyes.

"Yeah Marie, get out there. Unless your too chicken." she said, smirking afterwards. Marie raised an eyebrow.

"Really? You think that's going to work on me?"

"Of course not." Lee said, scooting passed May "That's why I had a plan B."

Before an inquiry could leave her lips, Marie was promptly shoved out of the open window, hitting the dirt below with a loud thud.

"What the hell, Lee!?" she yelled as she jumped to her feet.

"Aw quit your yappin and go see what the hell that was." she then closed the window and locked it, making Marie groan loudly.

"If I get killed by an alien or somethin', I'll kill you!" she yelled, her anger only growing when she seen Lee laugh at her. Getting nowhere, Marie turned to walk toward the direction the light had came from, stopping herself when she saw smoke coming from what looked like a house sized crater. She gulped down her fear and shook her head, gaining the courage to continue toward the edge of the gigantic hole. Before she could gain any sort of knowledge from observing the hole, her foot landed on some loose ground and it crumbled, sending her rolling down toward the center of the crater.

"Ow, son of a..." she swore, stopping when she looked at what lay in the center of the hole. Sitting a few feet away from her was a purple box about the size of her head. It gave off the same glow that had blinded her and her sisters earlier, but was more subdued "What the hell?" she asked, stepping slowly toward the strange box. From what she could tell, it looked kind of like a music box or something and it didn't seem to be locked. Despite her caution, she reached down and prepared to open it.

"Hey Marie! What's takin' so long?" Lee yelled from the trailer, making her jump.

"Hold onto your panties, I'm coming!" she yelled back, reaching down to pick up the unusual box. It was a surprisingly light load and, with a little bit of effort, she was out of the crater in no time and heading back to the trailer.

* * *

The tenth minute had passed as the trio of sister's stared down at the strange box, debating on what to do next.

"Let's just open the damn thing already, I'm tired of all this waiting around." Marie said, reaching for the box. Her hand was slapped by Lee.

"Hold it sister, we don't know what the hell might pop out of that thing."

"Yeah, it might be an alien or somethin'!" May said, shaking in her shoes. Marie crossed her arms and sighed, sitting on the couch.

"So what, we just sit here and stare at it all night?" the blue haired sister asked. Lee scratched her chin in thought, pacing in front of the box for a moment.

"Alright Marie, since you're so eager, you can-"

"Oh hell no. I got the damn thing so one of you two can open it." Marie said, laying back and propping her legs on the table. Lee glared at her and was prepared to assert her dominance, but she calmed herself with one of her signature yellow toothed smirks.

"Alright then, more money out of your paycheck then."

The red headed Kanker reached down to open the box, stopping when she felt May's shaky hands on her shoulders.

"Be careful Lee." the blonde whispered, her teeth chattering loudly. One roll of the eyes later, Lee slowly lifted up the lid of the box. As it opened, odorless, purple and pink mist started to leak from the container. By the time the thought of closing it came to mind, she had already opened the box. Five seconds of silence followed, making Marie and May anxious.

"What's in it, Lee?" the youngest sister asked, her lips trembling in fear as she tried to force herself to peak over her older sibling's shoulder. More silence.

"Come on Lee, stop with the suspense crap!" Marie yelled, getting up and marching toward her sisters.

"I think your wish came true Marie." Lee finally spoke. Before both of her younger sisters could ask, she picked up the box and displayed its contents to them. Inside was a single dark brown cigar wrapper with a hand sized container of tobacco leaves next to it. The only other thing inside was a small, thumb sized cylinder filled with pink and purple dust.

"What the hell?" Marie asked no one in particular, picking up the box to get a closer look. May gasped loudly and rushed to grab her wishbone filled suitcase.

"They work! They actually work!" she yelled happily, hugging the case for dear life. She then perked up with a realization, letting the case fall to the floor "I need to go get ready for when Ed comes over!" she shrieked, her excitement propelling her upstairs in two seconds flat. The two remaining sisters were stunned only for a moment.

"Somethin' fishy is going on." Marie said, dropping the box and heading for the window. Lee scoffed.

"What, you think the Ed's did it or something?" Marie blew a raspberry.

"Of course not, they'd be too chicken to come out here this late. It's just freaking weird is all."

"Who gives a shit if it's weird? Let's make this cigar already." Lee said, already twisting the lid off of the tobacco leaves.

"Hey! It was my wish, so keep your mitts off it!" Marie growled, swiping the box and the leaves from Lee's hand.

After a not so friendly tussle, the sisters began to carefully roll the thick tobacco stick. While they barely smoked them, their mother had been a big fan of cigars when she was still around, giving them some knowledge of the plus sized cancer sticks. Just as Lee was about to finish rolling it, Marie picked up the cylinder full of the pink and purple dust.

"What the hell is this stuff anyway? Some kind of filler substitute?" she pondered, pulling a bit on the cork that held the contents inside. After another moment of inspection, she rotated the container to see a convenient label "Add a little magic to make others fanatic/but don't overdue/for greed is something to eschew."

"What the hell does that mean?" Lee asked.

"Beats me, but whoever wrote it sucks at rhyming." Marie said, twisting the cork off "What the hell, let's just add it. Might be some kind of flavor enhancer or something." After a shrug from Lee, the blue haired girl poured the powder over the tobacco and they slowly finished rolling the dark brown stick.

"I get first dibs!" Marie said, picking up the cigar "It was my wish after all." she added smugly. Lee shook her head and stood up.

"Whatever, I'm going to go see what the hell May is doing."

Marie kept her smug smirk as she watched Lee walk up the stairs, digging around her pockets for her trusty lighter as she put the cigar in her mouth. Eventually, she found it and quickly lit up the cigar, inhaling as much of the smoke as she could.

"Oh hell yes." she moaned, a relaxed smile covering her face as she exhaled. The flavor was sweet, but not any sweeter than what she had smoked before, making her wonder if the weird dust did anything. "I wish this thing was bigger." Then, as if an answer to her absentminded wish, a familiar glow began to emit from the cigar.

"Oh give me a fucking break!" she yelled, dropping her long awaited nirvana. This only seemed to intensify the light, making it almost blinding.

"Hey Marie, what the hell is going on down there?" Lee called from upstairs, barely being able to see through a crack in the door.

"I don't know!" she screamed back. Then for the second time that night, the glow stopped, leaving the trailer as quiet and as dark as before. When Marie finally uncovered her eyes, she had to forcibly stop her jaw from dropping. Instead of laying her eyes on a five inch dark brown cigar, she found herself looking at a two foot long, one foot thick pink and purple cigar.

"W-What the hell?" she managed to get out, slowly walking toward the humongous roll of tobacco. Cautiously, she reached out her hand to touch it.

"Marie? What the hell is..." Lee started but stopped when she lay eyes on their new living room decoration "What did you do?" Marie turned with a glare.

"I didn't do jack shit! I just started to smoke it and it just..." she waved her hands wildly toward it "..grew!"

"What grew?" asked May, who finally finished descending the stairs donning a white polka dotted dress. Her eyes grew to the size of her shoes when she saw her answer. "Holy guacamole!"

"Yeah yeah, big cigar. Shut up May!" Marie yelled, pinching her forehead "Let's just all shut the fuck up and figure this out."

So the silence reigned again for a few seconds more before Lee made her way over to it and bent over to pick it up. much to Marie's shock.

"Lee what are you doing?!" the azure haired girl yelled as the red head managed to pick up her now huge wish with little effort.

"It's still pretty light." Lee observed, ignoring her younger sister's yelling. She then shrugged and took a long puff from the huge cigar, which earned one more yell from Marie "Oh shit yes."

"Hey! What the hell are you doing!?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm collecting my pay for all the work you made me do." the older sister smirked, turning to blow purple smoke toward the TV "And for you wrecking our damn TV." Marie's cheeks only got redder.

"I didn't break the TV you bitch! It was May who..." she then went quiet, her anger flushing out of her body when she lay eyes on where the smoke had impacted. Lee's confusion grew when she saw May's jaw drop as well.

"What are you idiots looking at?" she asked, turning around. She then dropped the cigar on the floor.

In place of their old, broken antennae television was a brand new, slick, black flat screen with a little red bow wrapped around the top right corner for effect.

"Ho-"

"-ly"

"Shit" they all said together, walking toward their new television set.

"It looks so shiny." May said, reaching out to touch it before her hand was slapped by Marie.

"Don't get your dirty fingerprints on it!" she exclaimed, her smile then turning into a confused frown when she looked at the cigar "Where the hell did it come from?"

Lee shook off her shock and picked up the stogie again "No clue." she said, going to take another puff. She soon found her lips meeting the air when she opened her eyes to see Marie holding it.

"Oh no you don't, it's mine." she growled, holding it up to her mouth to take another puff. May put her finger to her chin and gasped.

"Hey Marie, blow the smoke on the couch! That things been leaning for weeks." Marie held the smoke in her mouth and shrugged, turning to blow toward the couch.

As soon as the purple haze touched the slightly leaning pearl blue couch, it began to slowly swirl around it. Then, in an instant, the couch was sitting up perfectly straight, much to May's delight.

"What the hell is going on?" Marie questioned slowly, looking at the weightless, two foot long cigar. She blinked at it, shaking her head to regain her sanity. Did it just grow a bit?

"I don't know but whatever this shit is, it's fucking great." Lee said, looking over the repaired couch as May bounced on it "Where do you think it came from?"

"Who cares, I want to try something." Marie said with a giant smirk on her face "I wish I had Kevin's hat!" she yelled before puffing on the cigar and blowing the smoke. The smoke hit the open air and began to swirl again, producing Kevin's hat when it dispersed.

When the hat floated onto Marie's head, they all three smirked at each other.

"Tomorrow, we're going to have some Kanker style fun." the red haired oldest sibling said as the trio's cackles filled the dark, empty trailer park.

* * *

"Yo Double D, are you ready yet?" Eddy asked, pounding a bit on his smart friend's bedroom door.

"Almost, Eddy! I just need to pack another bottle of sun screen!"

Eddy normally would have rolled his eyes and maybe groaned in frustration at his friend's tendency to be over prepared, but after his little skinning session two years ago, he was not complaining. Instead, he put his hands in his pockets and leaned into the wall.

"Hey Eddy, look at me!"

Eddy turned his head and stifled a laugh. Ed came out of the restroom dressed head to toe in tight, black leather with a pair of goggles covering his mouth.

"How do I look?" he asked, guffawing as he twisted his body around.

"Like my dad's favorite boots Ed." the three haired teen responded, laughing along with his dopey friend as Edd finally stepped out of his room with a small backpack.

"Sorry I took so long gentleman, it slipped my mind how I organized my sun screen last night." He said, a nervous smile gracing his face when he saw Eddy's eyebrow raise.

"Yeah, whatever. Let's hurry up and get to the creek already, Kevin said he's going to be grilling some dogs!" Eddy said, getting excited with each word before he bolted down the hall with Ed close behind, laughing all the while.

"Wait up you two!" Double D yelled, securing his backpack before trying his best to catch up. Just as he made it to the front door, he could swear he caught a whiff of what smelt like smoke. "Oh dear, did I leave the oven on?" he pondered, looking back at the front door with a tinge of nervousness.

"Better safe than sorry!" he declared, rushing toward the entrance of his kitchen frantically. To his surprise, he didn't see his oven light on and didn't pick the scent up anymore "Strange." he said, rubbing his chin "Must have been a passing-"

As he turned around to leave, he came face to face with none other than the terrors of Peach Creek with smirks carved on their faces. In between Marie's smirk, however, was a huge multicolored cigar that seemed to leak purple smoke.

"Kankers!" he yelled, his heart nearly exploding as he began to back away in panic. This only caused the predators to draw closer as Marie pulled the gigantic cigar from her lips.

"You ready Double D?" she asked, baring her stained teeth at him. The geek only gulped in response.

"R-Ready for what?" he asked, already guessing the answer in his head. In response, she put the cigar back in her mouth as Marie and Lee rushed to both sides of him, holding him in place.

"To finally love me."

Before a scream could leave his lips in preparation for a smooching, his assailant instead took a long puff on her cigar. Then when she reached her lungs limits, she finally blew the smoke toward his direction. At first, all he could do was cough as it swirled all around him. When it faded, however, his mind became clear. Marie. Marie! That was all he could think about and he loved it! He really loved Marie Kanker! When he opened his eyes and they were on the love of his life, he ran towards her, engulfing her in a tight hug.

Marie laughed smugly as she hugged her new boyfriend back.

"One down, two more to go." she said, making Marie and Lee smile and nod.

* * *

"Almost there guys!" Eddy yelled behind him, seeing the swimming hole over the horizon. When his feet eventually touched the hot, yet comforting sand, he could not stop himself from smiling as he came to a stop to take in the atmosphere "You smell that, boys?"

Ed came to a sliding stop at his feet, everything but his lips buried in the sand.

"Is it me, Eddy?"

"Not this time Ed, it's the smell of acceptance." He said, his eyes going over all the neighborhoods kids. Jimmy was swimming with Sarah, Jonny was reclining atop his usual spot, Kevin and Nazz were hanging out near the grill and Rolf was sunbathing "And the smell of Kevin's freaking awesome burgers!" He reached down and pulled Ed to his feet by his lips "Come on monobrow, let's get to mingling!"

"Mmmtch mmdy!"

As Eddy made his way over, he suddenly stopped and looked the way they came.

"Where the heck is Double D?" he asked, jumping atop Ed's head to scan the area.

"I dunno Eddy." He said, squinting his eyes in the same direction. Eddy looked for a moment more before shrugging, leaping down from his improvised platform.

"Eh, he'll catch up. Must have forgot something else." the short stack said, sticking his hands in his pockets. Ed nodded, taking one more worried look toward the distance.

"Hey, Eddy!" Kevin yelled, making both Ed boys jump as he stomped toward them "What did you guys do with my hat!"

Eddy scratched his head "Your hat? We didn't take it!" he squealed back. He found himself face to face with his former bully when the green trunk wearing boy roughly grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Don't lie to me, dork! I know you-"

"Ahem." Nazz interrupted, tapping her foot with crossed arms. Kevin looked at her, back to Eddy and sighed, releasing the shorter teen.

"Sorry man, I keep forgetting." He said, scratching his head in embarrassment. Eddy waved him off.

"It's fine man." Eddy said, looking over Kevin's rarely seen shaved head "When did you lose your hat?"

"I didn't lose it, I'd never lose it." he said as his fist tightened in anger. Before his rage could take over again, he sighed it away "Last I seen it was on my bedside table before I started snoozing and when I woke up, it was gone." He then looked behind both Ed's, noticing a missing link in their chain "Where's Double D?" Eddy looked over his shoulder.

"I think he forgot something. He should be here soon."

* * *

Marie looked behind her, seeing her two sisters tying up a love stricken Jonny with a brainwashed Edd donning Kevin's hat pounding the bald boy's head absentmindedly with a toy hammer.

"I love you Marie." he said, making his love grin at him.

"I know honey, that's the twenty seventh time you've said it."

"Can we hurry up and do this? I want Eddy massaging my feet already." Lee said, wiggling her painted toes. Marie rolled her eyes and took a small puff on the cigar.

"Yeah, hurry up Marie! I want to make out with Ed already!"

"I wish May would shut up." she said, as the the smoke orbited her blonde sister and placed a zipper over her lips, making the girl go wide eyed and start uttering muffled screams. Lee chuckled.

"Good one Marie!" she said between her guffaws. When she didn't get an answer she looked at her blue haired sister, who had the most sinister smile she had ever seen "Oh I like that look, what've you got in mind?"

"Don't you see Lee? We can make all these idiots love us! We could do anything we wanted in this stupid town!" She said, rubbing her palms as Lee grinned back.

"Your speaking every language I understand sister." the red head said, surveying the unaware fools below them. Marie stood up, picking up her now five foot long and three foot thick stogie. With one more look at her older sister

"I wish everyone in Peach Creek loved us!" she yelled, making everyone below turn to look up at her. With this, she stuck the cigar in her mouth and inhaled as much smoke as she could. When she took it all in, she exhaled a huge cloud of purple and pink mist, covering everyone below in its veil. At first there was coughing, then there was silence. When it all cleared, she could see the adoration in their eyes as smiles grew on all their faces.

"We love you, Kankers!"

With the exception of May, who was still running in circles from the panic, the Kanker sisters laughed in unison. They had finally done it. No one could possibly stop them now!

* * *

"Hey May, stop hogging the jawbreakers!" Lee yelled, pulling the blonde out of the house sized pile of the succulent orbs the town had offered as a "tribute". May stuck her tongue out and rubbed her huge cheeks.

"Findersh keepersh!" she said, earning her a toss into the nearby house of Kevin. Lee looked at the center of the Cul-de-Sac, smiling when she saw three huge thrones sitting in the center, each color coded for each of the town's new queens. Within one week, they had turned the entire town of Peach Creek into a Triarchy revolving around them, and it was the most beautiful thing she had ever witnessed.

The only sister on the throne at the moment was Marie, whose feet were being massaged by both Double D and Kevin.

"Oh yeah, that's the shit." she moaned, reclining further in her throne. Sitting atop her throne, acting as a figurehead of sorts, was the now ten foot long, five feet thick cigar that had let them get this far. While Marie didn't seem to care, Lee was getting more than a little bit suspicious about how big that thing was getting. Marie seemed to notice Lee's staring.

"Whatcha staring at Lee? Jealous?" she asked smugly, making Lee chuckle.

"Hell no, I got my massage this morning from Eddy and Rolf." she shivered at the memory "Man that farm boy knows how to use those fingers." Marie gagged.

"Yuck, shut up Lee." Lee grinned back at her.

"What, are you jealous now?" Marie crossed her arms.

"Not in a million years, I let him massage me once and he sucked at it." She looked down at her watch and gasped "Oh shit, my show's starting!" the blue haired girl then grabbed the huge, yet still weightless cigar "I wish the TV were in front of me."

She took a puff and blew. The smoke disperse and then...nothing.

"What the shit?" she tried again. Nothing. And again. Nothing happened "Oh don't you start messing up now!" she shook the wish granter like a flashlight.

"What's going on?" May asked, shaking the last bit of dry wall out of her hair.

"I don't know, this things not working anymore!" Marie yelled, taking a few more puffs. Lee groaned and went to take it from middle siblings hands.

"Get out of the way, you're not doing it right."

"No, it was my wish!" she said, pulling back with all her might. May furrowed her brow and decided to join in.

"It was my wish bones that made it come true, so it's technically mine!" she said, yanking it.

"You don't even know what that word means!" Marie yelled back.

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Both of you shut up and give it to me!" Lee shouted, gaining the upper hand. As the tug of war got more insult heavy, the wish granting cigar suddenly began to glow its usual glow, making all three sisters halt their fighting.

"Is it working?" Marie asked, her tone hopeful as the glow got brighter. Her hope began to fade as the whole cigar started to shake violently.

"What 's happening!?" May yelled, rushing to Lee's side to hug her tightly.

"I don't know!" Lee yelled, releasing her grip and slowly backed away. The glow eventually grew bright enough to make them shut their eyes, then it happened. With a loud BOOM, the cigar exploded, sending all three sisters flying miles upon miles away over the horizon. As the purple smoke began to settle and the tobacco began to rain from the sky, everyone in the Cul-de-Sac's eyes returned to normal and their senses began to return.

"What the heck happened?" Eddy mumbled, rubbing his head. He then looked down at his attire and screamed "Why am I wearing a maids outfit!?"

* * *

May, Marie and Lee all three sat around a campfire, their hands holding up their faces.

"Next time, I'm wishing for a puppy."


End file.
